Journal 9/Feedback Letter “Ally Pezzolesi & Alex Ruma”

Local Concerns/Ally Pezzolesi

Pezzolesi’s “Meal Analysis Essay” had a good flow throughout. She was able to tie in and incorporate Raymond Carver’s message about food. I picked up her thesis at the end of her first paragraph. As the middle paragraphs were introduced, she slightly veered away from what her thesis was saying. Her thesis stated, “A variety of students, and Raymond Carver, Author of a short story A Small, Good Thing, displays the use of food and the influence it has on family.” Throughout her essay, Pezzolesi talks about the relationships between Scotty’s parents and the baker, Nik’s family, and Liz’s connection to The Super Bowl. Although these three things all have food in common, they do not entirely focus on family itself. What Pezzolesi fails to incorporate in her essay are quotes from Liz’s “Favorite Meal Essay.” She has a tendency to overuse words such as together, variety, Americanized, and evident, as marked up in the margins. What stood out to be was her use of talking about each individual’s roots and how they tied into their essay. A helpful tool could be going deeper into what “roots” she is really referring to. She needs to describe the meaning of what roots truly mean to Carver, Liz, and Nik. Most importantly, she needs to refer to her peers by their last names, just as she refers Raymond Carver to Carver.

 

Global Concerns/Ally Pezzolesi

 Pezzolesi’s thesis is mostly a general thesis referring to the overall topic of what it means to be a family coming together as one. She describes the influence food has on family itself and the way food brings each other together through cultural aspects. Pezzolesi only incorporated three quotes in her entire essay, one from Nik, and the other two from Carver. The quote she chose from Nik’s essay was a good amount and lengthy enough to reside what the author was trying to say. She was able to restate the meaning of Nik’s perception of family. Instead of targeting Nik’s favorite meal, it seems as if the focal point was about his Italian background, which was not what this essay was about. Pezzolesi did not include a quote from Liz, but took a different turn by visually describing a specific time in Liz’s life that was significant to her. There wasn’t a main reason in the discussion about Liz’s favorite meal. It started off by talking about The Super Bowl and gradually talked about the meal itself in the very end of the paragraph. It was easily shown that food holds a significant meaning to Nik, Carver, and Liz. Pezzolesi needs to tie in all three authors together and show the readers why each concept is important.

 


Local Concerns/Alex Ruma

Throughout Ruma’s essay, she directed her ideas more on the food rather than connecting Carver and the narratives of the peers she chose. In the introduction paragraph, her thesis was not clear enough to recognize. She was able to introduce Carver and his short story but didn’t give her peers the same introduction. Ruma continuously called both Ally and Lily by their first names when they should have been addressed by their last names, just as she refers Carver to. Many of her sentences had too much information that could easily be converted into two separate sentences. In the middle of Ruma’s essay, she directs the topic towards herself and her own personal experiences. As written in the margins, this essay is about connecting Carver to the two peers of our choosing. Instead of focusing on the what kind of food each author chose, Ruma should target the importance of why coming together is so crucial. Overall, she was able to analyze each of her peers work and break down the message of what the authors were trying to get across.

 

 

Global Concerns/Alex Ruma

Ruma consistently indirectly quoted the author in which she was quoting. Instead of saying, “blank exclaimed, “…” she would directly go into saying the quote while indenting the margin. Some quotes Ruma decided to incorporate into her essay straggled away from connecting all three authors. She would talk about the smell, for instance, rather than why it would have some kind of significance to Carver or the other author. Many of the quotes took up a majority of her essay. She needs to go more in-depth when inferring what the author has to say. Instead of focusing on what the big picture is, Ruma sets her mind on the smaller things such as the meal itself. Her conclusion needs to be elaborated and tied into her thesis. It is important to restate the thesis without using the same exact words. In Ruma’s conclusion she closes with Lily’s dish, even though this entire essay is not reflected on just Lily. Her conclusion is about each narrative, not once did she mention Carver’s intake.

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